© 1998 Lark Ritchie.

Sharing Post Adoption Issues...
Meets the Third Tuesday of Each Month
7:00 P.M. At 600 Toke Street North Timmins, Ontario, Canada

This Group has since disbanded.

The support group 'Sharing Post Adoption Issues' operated in Timmins for four years, and evolved from an earlier group that existed for some years before. The group provides resources to and supports individuals and families related by adoption. The following essay is by facilitator, Lark Ritchie.

---------------------------------

Biologically, each of us has a mother and a father. Most of us can create a relationship map defining who we are. But for many people, the physical ties in that map have been broken or are unknown. For the many, as adoptees and men and women who have relinquished children through the adoption process, these unknowns form and limit personal identities. These are the issues that concerned "Sharing Post Adoption Issues..".

The reciprocal parent/child biological family hierarchy is different in adoptive families, connecting three, rather than two sets of major players;

· the biological partners in conception (birth parents,)
· the relinquished child, (adoptee), and
· the significant others who directed that child to self awareness. (adoptive and foster parents)

Those working in the social sciences, and those related through adoption, call these three parties, as a group, the "Triad." Others refer to the relationships as the "adoption constellation" since it also includes grandparents and parent-siblings.

Several factors that may affect well being overlay this complex network. From the perspective of adoptees, birth-, and adoptive parents, there may be feelings of loss. Beyond the gaps in biological heritage, it is this sense of loss, a 'denial of a dream’ that seems to complicate the lives and identities of triad members. The issue of an unresolved identity-gap is a repeating question, without solid answers: "What would my life have been like if....?"...

The recurring self comparison of triad members to others in society hovers very close to consciousness, and in many cases affects self perception, and sometimes self worth, and ultimately, the expression of individual identity and peace of mind.

These issues sometimes also extend beyond the immediate players. For example, a biological sibling is connected to the relinquished person, and so is an aunt or uncle, grandmother, or grandfather. As a group they would be called birth-relatives, and an extension of the initial triad.

Many birth parents associate relinquishment and adoption with shame. They may also associate a possible reunion with deep fears of rejection. These two emotions are widely recognized as common to all triad members, and seems to be the basis of a struggle for many of those affected by adoption. Until recently, those who were knowledgeable of a family adoption were silent. Many still do not discuss these topics. They maintained an uneasy silence.

Adoptees may have other issues. In some cases, not knowing one’s biological connections or medical history can be frustrating for individuals who as adults, wish to know their genetic or cultural heritage. So much so, that support groups exist in many towns and cities, and for thousands on the Internet.

At first glance, a triad member could assume that control for self is limited, and that the system or world works independently of personal dreams and wishes. In some cases, for adoptive parents, as well as adult adoptees and birth parents, the protection of information by social agencies creates a situation of powerlessness, frustration, and anger that spills over into everyday life and personal relationships. If there is any message that should be identified, it is that the issue of searching and open adoption records is not about right to know, but about healthy development of good children-becoming-people. Adoptees and birth parents may also struggle with options to seek or provide information and the risks of offending or threatening adoptive parents.

If ever there was a less vocal member of the triad, it is the adoptive parent. One, who out of love and caring, puts one’s fears aside, bites his or her tongue, encourages personal growth, and hopes that nothing harmful happens to a son or daughter. The process of raising adopted children should be no different than in other families. Yet unknown roots introduces factors not present in the biological family. An separated history may create issues for the developing adult. Adoptive parents who understood these issues can better support their children through that process of linking to the unknown past.

Support groups are valuable in these situations. The group experience allows each to confront these personal issues quietly and slowly, and with some control. Talking about these issues lifts a veil from identity. Once a person talks to even just one other who understands, the path to growth and better feelings runs quickly. Individuals can make adjustments to alter how they see the world, act, and think.

Things definitely have changed since the 1940's and 50's and even since the 70's. In the face of changing social attitudes, we must reassess the values that have helped create these post adoption issues.