© 1996, 1997, 1999 Lark Ritchie.

In a series of questions and e-mails over the 'net, the question arose 'Why do we not see many bdad's searching?' and second to that, 'Have they kept these things secret from their families?" Here are some thoughts... Mind you they are not the only responses... each person is unique, each circumstance different, each decision carried out in the best way, at that time, and for a chosen life...

Why Do We See Less Birth Fathers Searching?

I am a bdad... have searched, and found... a nice young lady, quite secure and mature.... lovely to look at (selfish pride here) and happy in herself... all of the things that I would have wanted for her from a developmental point of view were handled by her Amom and Adad... much better than I, or her Bmom could have done considering our stages of life back then, financial stability, and potential as a couple faced with an unexpected pregnancy, little money, and unsure of our ability to love...
Each of us... as Bparents, individually struggled with relinquishment...

and because of that, and some 27 years of thinking , and now some 4 years of reunion, I remain in touch with the triad members both at the local level and here on the 'net...

My opinion is that when entering relationships, "Up front is best...." and that many men do not have the courage or maturity to inform their 'intended' mate prior to marriage, and after marriage, it becomes a problem as a trust issue.... ("You mean to tell me you kept this from me?" - Knowing might have affected my perceptions and decisions!!?")

By keeping secrets, we complicate our relationships, and we risk the intimacies that marriage can bring...

Those Bdads who have not been open about this need some reassurance from society, and spousal relationships that can stand a shock... unfortunately, some marriages cannot absorb this easily, and the resolution process might be lengthy and tenuous...

For myself, my "intended knew from the start...." it has allowed me to share my concerns for my child when the thoughts hit, and when I wondered... There was always a knowledge that I would someday search... and find.... and I was supported in principle and in action, (even though I know there was some apprehension because this was also an intimate part of my life before my wife and I were married... and as such, a possible threat)

I would suppose that many men (myself included - for few knew of this part of my life at the time - very close friends, a brother, my wife) are ashamed of their part in the relinquishment... others (sorry others!) are sons who have not been taught the basic values of respect for another individual... or.... somehow, thought that this is what a 'man' should do...

But as we all grow older, we sometimes also mature... and in that maturation, we come to see who we were, and come to make our own self assessments... (I remember, just before I searched, talking with my daughter's birth mom, apologizing for how I acted, kept emotions in, and tried to be so practical...

But as they say, Then was then, and Now is now...

However.... many Bfathers carry a sense of shame, unresolved, and have come to a self imposed conclusion that they have less rights than Bmoms....

BUT... that is from a very personal self-assessed evaluation...

What message Bdads have to hear, (And we see it within the support groups, is that their offspring want, and sometimes need to find them... and that things change in 18 or thirty years, and maybe the animosity that they anticipate might only be self-directed... (although some adoptees have very definite opinions on Bdads)

And over time, I see it happening, both in our local support group and groups on the 'net...

In your conversations with others, also consider and discuss the issues including the Bdad perspectives... and through conversation, and such third-hand knowledge, I am sure that you will see more of them... They are all not cads.... some are nice guys.... they are just timid about how they will be perceived - - - But Then was then, and Now is now...

Lark, Revised March 1999.