Turning a Triangle into a Straight Line

(Communication in a broken family)
Editors Note:  This is my first blog ... ever! I apologize in advance that it turned into a novel.
 
In 2006 I became one of the unfortunate members of the broken family statistic. Well ok, it wasn't just me ... obviously it was my whole family unit. At the time I had two young boys, 7 and 10, as well as an older step-daughter who was 20 and well on her way as a young adult.
 
The boys lived with their mom and I had them regularly two out of three weekends. As we stumbled into this new reality I had a talk one day with my boys about relationships. How do you help kids understand this separation/divorce concept, when all they really want is mom and dad together ... in one house?  That's when I came up with my triangle theory.  So I drew them a triangle (kids are visual). At the three points of the triangle were:  Top - the Boys, Bottom Left - Mom, Bottom Right - Dad.  The triangle theory is about communication and love in a broken family.  Here's how it works:
 
Side 1: Boys to Mom
The boys love their mom and vice versa. That will ALWAYS be. The separation has not changed that and never will.  They have not "lost" their mom.
Side 2: Boys to Dad
The boys love their dad and vice versa. That will ALWAYS be. The separation has not changed that and never will. They have not "lost" their dad.
Side 3: Mom to Dad (The Adult Line)
The boys aren't on this side of the triangle. They can't and never will be able to "fix" mom and dad's side of the triangle.  They need to understand this!  They are not responsible for mom and dad ... but that doesn't diminish the love that flows on side 1 and side 2.  
 
Communication on the Triangle
Here's the bottom line (literally) for the parents.  ANY conflict in the context of the separation/divorce stays on the bottom line! Between the adults. You do not bring children into this potential war zone ... the post-traumatic stress could last a life time. Parents who use their children in this way are abusing their children. There is no other word for this ... abuse. They are acting selfishly, not in the best interest of the child. If the children get drawn down to the bottom line then the triangle disappears, and kids get hurt. It's tragic.

Parents communicate with the kids on side 1 and 2 of the triangle. On my side (dad and boys) ... mom doesn't exist.  Therefore I don't discuss my relationship with mom, I don't bad-mouth mom, I don't talk about our issues in front of the boys. It's all about our relationship (dad and boys). I have no control over Side 1 (mom and boys). I know that. I also know the emotional importance of that relationship to my boys. There is nothing in the world that I would do to compromise that!
 
As well, the boys often know intuitively (or maybe its blatant :) when there is conflict between mom and dad ...  but again they are not on the bottom line, so they've been taught they have no place there.  Occasionally they need a reminder :)
 
Admittedly, I was proud of myself for creating this model. I think it worked well in my situation, but the key is ... both parents have to be mature enough to adhere to the model (an equilateral triangle). My ex was on-board and we had this common understanding. In some cases it takes much self-discipline (and much tongue-biting) to listen to comments from the kids and not say what you really want to say! 
  
The triangle serves to protect kids from the potentially destructive dynamics of a divorce. They don't need to know the crap you are going through with your ex. They can't understand the complexities of conflict in relationships. And we don't want them to ... not a this age! Let them be kids!
 
Triangle To A Line
About a year ago I met an amazing single mom with 3 boys that she had raised virtually single-handed. Her boys are in their late teens, early twenties. All of them are incredibly, over-the-top smart. More importantly, they are all well mannered, well spoken, social, and engaging.  Just really great guys in every way! Imagine my surprise when I discovered that she had been using the triangle theory! (hmm, so much for my original concept! lol  ... or maybe .. great minds think alike :)
 
Unfortunately her ex isn't on the same page and sometimes draws the boys into situations they have no place to be. Recently this caused a great deal of stress, tension and conflict in her home. Now however, she has young free-thinking adults that have been drawn into the foray. And that's when I realized that eventually ... the triangle becomes a line. Eventually, kids become adults and they want a clear unobstructed view of what is really going on. They want to form their own opinions.
 
I've always expected that at some point I will have a candid conversation with my own boys about our family life before/after the separation. The split was more or less amicable, but there have been specific points of contention throughout the years. Who knows what mom's said?  I'd like the boys to know my version of the story ... when they are ready.
 
The turmoil at my friends' house has enlightened me as to the potential disaster that could result if this conversation is not broached with considerable forethought.  Here's what I observed:
  • Ultimately the boys want the truth  ... or at the very least, to reconcile the discrepancies in the information they get from mom and dad.
  • Each parent has their own version of the truth. Each has their own agenda. Each decides how open/sharing or how closed/guarded they want to be in their disclosure. Each decides if they want to be truthful or deceitful. Each wants to be perceived as 'right' and some will go to no end to make that point. And still, even at this point in time, one or both of the parents could be playing the kids for their own selfish reasons. Many adults never achieve emotional maturity ... which often gets perpetuated in their offspring.
  • Regardless of what you think you know, there's always two sides to every story ... something that I've learned through experience (sometimes the hard way :)  In light of the above statements, how will my friends' boys possibly sort everything out? Somebody, presumably one of the parents, a key role model, or family counselor needs to coach them on an effective process to deal with this difficult task.
  • Its not unusual for some kids to have an emotional bias towards one parent (and vice versa). It is easy to be swayed by words and overlook the truth in actions. The credibility of one parent is measured by the strength of that emotional attachment, not the facts presented.  As a result, emotional blinders prevent the kids from seeing/hearing opinions from the other parent.
  • Parents aren't perfect. This may be a defining moment when kids see their parents as real people. Who knows what will emerge from the ten years of 'stored conflict' that we as parents have protected them from? Did dad really do that?  Did mom really say that?  There may be revelations about the parents that may be impossible to accept ... a tremendous internal conflict between the love the kids feel versus this new image that is contrary to their protected view.
  • It will be hard for kids to become emotionally detached to make an objective decision. Impossible actually.  So as parents we still have to actively manage this process of disclosure, knowing full well that the other party may not necessarily be acting with the same honourable intentions.
In my friends' situation, her two youngest boys brought an issue from the other camp and in doing so questioned her integrity, refused her explanations (all but called her a liar), and disrespectfully challenged her actions. The initial pain and anger was huge. She has a very strong loving relationship with these boys yet here they were challenging the integrity of the very person who has raised, loved, nurtured and protected them for so long.  How do you respond to something like that?
 
By acting with the same strength and integrity that has been the core of who she is from the moment she became a single mom. She provided full disclosure, including emails and letters. She recounted events in their childhood that supported her case. She asked them to provide evidence to support their position, clarified ambiguous statements and challenged hearsay. In other words, put the onus on them to get their facts straight. It was an emotional heated discussion, with tears flowing on both sides. For the most part, she stayed true to her principles, providing information about their dad without a judgment statement ... leaving them to form their opinions.
 
Except for ... the tirade of expletives about her ex that had been stored up for ten years :)  (Hey .. we're all human!) 
 
I hope her boys see and appreciate the strength of character in their mom. I hope they understand not only the issues and emotions that they've worked through, but the process that go them to the other side. And most importantly, I hope they realize how this experience can positively shape their interactions in all future relationships.
Ultimately our kids will see the truth as they want to see it. It's a coming-of-age experience and that's fine, because the triangle is gone and they are now standing on the Adult Line. As parents we aren't perfect but if we demonstrate that we act in good faith and in their best interest ... what more can one do?
 
It is our responsibility to set the foundation, instill the values and give kids guidance in preparation for adulthood. As young adults, its time for them to take responsibility for their lives, make their own decisions, understand the past that has shaped who they are today ... and know they're now in control of their destiny ... and can choose who/what they will become in the future.
 
If we've done a good job parenting in a broken family situation, we will change the triangle to a straight line, then move to the sidelines ... and forever cheer our kids on to success!

Views: 110

Comment by Amanda @Kamazooie on July 13, 2014 at 10:49am

Great Post Larry and thanks for contributing so openly to our community. I'm sure this is a helpful article for both children and parents in these family situations.

Comment by Brian Ritchie on July 14, 2014 at 7:30pm

Very interesting communication theory Larry. Like you say, the theory is the easy part, abiding by it is challenging. I am fortunate enough not to have had to deal with many of the separated family issues that you mention but I believe much of this is also applicable to families that are still together. Often, children are used and abused as tools in these cases too.  I wish you and your friend and your children the best in working things out and growing stronger and more compassionate because of your experiences.

Thanks for sharing!

Comment by Martin James on July 22, 2014 at 8:58am

Hey Larry:  Great post. I must admit I have had the misfortune of having some experience in this area. You ideas on communication provide a good way to handle situations and keep the relationships with the kids positive.  Thanks for your post.

Comment by Charles Dimov on July 22, 2014 at 9:35am

Congratulations Larry! For your very first blog this is a deep concept. I like the Triangle model... and the evolution you suggest of moving from Triangle to Straight line with maturity of the children. This is very perceptive, and quite interesting.

Sorry to hear about the family situation - but at the same time Good for you for dealing with this very maturely - and helping keep your children out of the line of conflict. 

FANTASTIC Blog posting! Can't wait to read your next piece. Do write more - please! :-)

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